An Apology Letter

By Diana Alvarez

A gentle touch at first,
shallow breathing,
& whispers to the ear.
Do you like this?
I bet you do.
If you were to have seen
the statue-like nature of my
pre-teen body,
my wide, bright, brown eyes
suddenly sink,
maybe you would have stopped.
Maybe you would have
understood
that my inability to move,
my inability to speak, meant
NO!
I do not like it.
But instead,
you reached further down.
And when you grabbed me,
you grabbed my innocence too.
Maybe if you had seen my eyes
no longer with light.
Maybe had I been able to show
more unwillingness,
maybe you would have stopped.
Maybe you would have
understood.
I want to say I’m sorry.
I Am sorry for going into shock,
for every inch of my pre-teen body
being paralyzed with overwhelming guilt and
fear.
I Am sorry for hating you all these years.
After all, I didn’t actually say no.
It was I who couldn’t speak at all.
Maybe you would have stopped,
once I was finally able to gain enough
strength to put my hand down
just as you were about to enter…

Then I lost it all over
when I felt the tear,
but you didn’t,
you didn’t stop.
& Now,
I can’t remember,
I can’t recall
whether it was just your hand
that left me limping the next day,
that left my womanly parts scarred
& disfigured.
I want to say to say I’m sorry.
I Am sorry for going into shock,
for every inch of my child body
being paralyzed with overwhelming guilt and
fear,
for being mute.
I want to say I’m sorry.
I Am sorry for blaming you all these years,
For my distorted self-image,
For my eating disorders,
For my anxiety,
For its dear friend, Depression,
For my hallucinations,
For all the cuts & blood spilled on my
skin.
Because the only relief I felt came when I
thought I deserved all the cuts & blood
spilled on my skin.
For all the pills I took, over & over,
in hopes to leave those memories,
For the years of feeling guilty,
For all of my self-hatred,
For the loss of not only my youth,
but also my innocence.
But now
that I think of it,
I will always just live in hopes
of You saying that.
To Me.
Because
what I really want to say
is
Fuck You.